Go God!

Often, I am asked by those who knew me in a different life, "why Christianity?" In a world where the counter effects of extreme freedom of choices is balanced by an extremely determined pursuit of happiness, the self-help isle and Yoga, it is imporant for me as a born again Christian to emphasise that this is not a result of any pursuit on my part. Neither did I "pursue" it nor did any individual sell it to me.

It was a matter of burning, and cliche of cliches through the purification and shock of that burning came death and through death, new life. I was never doubtful of the existence of a Creator, our Maker. Both my upbringing as well as my education led me to intellectualize His existence and often I wrote smug poetry about how He was a mass of energy that fueled all physicality of existence. This worked very well with both parties. Everyone was happy with my mode of thinking and as a result I was happy. My attention to Him depended on my mood and beside thanking Him for my good fortune I credited all learning and growth to my own merits. My choices were oblivious of His judgement. I always defended my beliefs by declaring, rather too carelessly, that He would love me no matter what choice I made, no matter how many people I slept with or how many hearts I broke, how many times I swore at my earthly parents or how provoking or unforgiving I was in my friendships. Ironically and sadly I was right. He did love me no matter what choices I made but like a parent I am sure He wasn't happy with the choices I made.

This kind of non-commital relationship to someone who is in truth the most self-less, the most loving, the most graceful and the most understanding person, results in only one thing. Your self-credited strength fades like vapour at the mouth of crisis. And I don't mean the kind of crisis where you can engage your emotional faculties in resistence to and understanding of the crisis. I am talking about the kind of crisis where despair looms silently above your head like a dark heavy cloud and you feel like you are the last person on earth. The kind where you find yourself tired of everything that you ever wished for. Where that dull aching reality can only be relieved by some form of reckless passion.

Through a series of curious incidents my old self thankfully suffered a death. Why and how, if you care, you better ask Him. All I know is that here on Earth, hanging off of the curve of this massive globe at the mercy of a divine gravity, I was experiencing redemption and sight.

When Jesus said that the only way to know the Father is through the Son He must have meant that time and again He would have to come into hearts like mine and fill us with the warmth of His presence and lift the mirror up to our Father in Heaven. My turbulent hot and cold relationship with God was, first gradually and then suddenly, overtaken by something else. I now understood for the first time something of the perfect nature of God. And if ever you have any doubt you only need to look at the picture of his Son, only hear what He said and how He conducted himself on this Earth, to know how gentle and how strong He really is. How loving, selfless and full of grace He is. You only need to reach out your hand to Him and He will take care of the rest. And here's a man who never ever breaks a promise. It's just not His style. Na ah.

In my past life, I thought He was someone to go to when things went wrong, or someone to give a high-five to when things went right. I thought He put us through tests and if you passed He'd give you a star. I never realised that the most essential truth is that He is our true maker, our original parent. And no good parent is indifferent to his/her child. It's not a matter of evolutionary jargon, it is love. It is a bond. To forget that or ignore that, to replace that with futile idol worship and no knowledge of His nature is a blind blind obsession. That is not love. That is a plain faith and a dependence on something unknown. Fortunately, it doesn't need to be this way. Fortunately for us there is truth, there is life and there is a way. Can you imagine, we have "access"?!!

There was a time when my one and only priority was to enjoy thoroughly my identity, my wit, my ability to say whatever was on my mind, my ability to rebel and to recover. I was completely consumed by the passions, by my sense of self... a bogus concern. Now, I did as Jesus asked me to do. I threw away my life. And like he promised I gained it. In losing my identity, I gained it. And this time it was real. Better, more honest, more striving, more failing, more over-coming, but it was real. As George McDonald has said "For God is the heritage of the soul of origin. Man is the offspring of his making will, of his very life. God himself is man's birthplace. God is the self that maks the soul able to say, I too, am." Anyone who has been made to feel complete by falling in love or was picked up from the ditches by some kind of saving love will understand this. Imagine how much more He will make us complete, how much more the effect of the 'picking-up'. How much more earth-rocking and inspiring this Love that is God!